A Night

When its dark outside and the night is young, when I long to be out in the world instead of stuck at home, a fierce cemented loneliness swells in me and threatens to hold me there. It tells me I’ll never have a group of friends again, that I’ll never feel wanted in a social setting, that no matter how much I think I’ve grown there’s always someone else people would rather be with.

Sometimes I believe it, most nights I don’t. But it will undoubtably return and sink its fangs into me whether I believe it or not.

Is this a lingering form of insecurity from my childhood? A bitter residue from years of feeling pushed aside? Or is it a tool I use to let myself off of the hook, to relieve the stress of interaction with the outside world. A crutch. An excuse. What’s stopping me?

I’m so tired of feeling unsure of where I stand with people. I’m so tired of feeling less then so.

I guess I don’t have a message in this one. Sorry, to whoever comes across this for whatever reason. I’m just feeling sad. And isolated. But writing, for me, is always a good choice in any capacity.

I hope you feel loved. I hope you know the best is yet to come.

Shouting into the void,

~H

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Happy Ever After

When I was little I dreamed of a wedding day, like most young girls do. The idea that one day I could dress up better then I ever had, not feel selfish for wanting to look beautiful, and form a bond with someone who I loved and who loved me in return. It sounded pretty perfect to me.

Then around my freshmen year of high school, I fully realized how much of an ideality that is.
Someone to love and cherish me for all my days? Yeah right!

Of course, those bitter feelings of a lonely 15-year-old faded into more of an understanding: That one ‘perfect day’ is a small segment of life, not the finish line.

Marriage is sacred, beautiful, hard. It’s a lot of different things.
What it’s not? It is not a certain thing, or the only thing.

At some point I stopped planning my dream wedding and started planning my dream career. I realized that I want so much more then a happy ever after, and along with that, the realization that I’m meant for more as well. I want to travel, I want to meet people, learn, grow, do what God asks of me! Fulfill my purpose, and his purpose for me.

And one day, maybe, while I’m focusing on my career and my aspirations, building my character, someone will come along and be the one that will start a new adventure with me.

I’ve turned my ‘biological clock’ to the wall, because when you’re living on Gods timeline for you, it becomes what it is: an insignificant tool invented by our culture. His timing is perfect, and far be it from me to waste time worrying about ‘missing my window’

Weddings are more than happy ever afters. They aren’t truly endings at all.

Marriage should be seen as a beginning and also as a choice.

 

Shouting into the void

~H

 

When Life Gives You Lemons

I’ve had my fair share of sour lemons to choke down in my life, but none as final as the one I choked down recently.

It’s a given that life will not go as you plan it. There’s that saying, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him you have a plan”
I know this, and it does not make it sting any less. I’m not going to say to gather yourself up and regroup, bounce back, plow straight ahead: I think people focus to hard on that part to early.

Yes, of course, you shouldn’t let disappointments and rejections shoot you down for good.

But you also need to pause. Take a breath. Think about why whatever it was didn’t work out and let it hurt. Let yourself feel the burn of it, cry if you want.

And THEN get back up. Reevaluate your options.

So many times, I’ll see people ‘bounce back’ quickly from something devastating only to see them crash head long into a hole later. If you don’t deal with the sting and heartache while it’s fresh, it will just come back fiercer later.

I’m writing this for you but I’m also writing it for me.
As a reminder that it’s okay to feel it and that no one can feel it for me, or tell me when I should be ‘A-Okay’ again.

I may not be up to making any lemonade out of those lemons yet, but they’ll keep.

 

Shouting into the void

~H

Somedays

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future in the last few weeks, as one does in the new year as well as their senior year of high school, and one thing has stuck out more than all the worry and stress: No one is stopping me.

No one is stopping me from making the best out of every day. No one is stopping me from seizing my goals and taking life by the reins.

No one but myself, that is.

The excuses: I’m not ready, I have to wait until X, Y, Z, everything has to be perfect first, I’m not good enough, etc.

Solvable. All of them.
If you feel like you’re not good enough, get good enough. You have control over what you put effort into each day. Most of those excuses comes down to procrastination and or fear.

I’m not saying its fixable in this exact moment. Maybe your plum out broke. Maybe your trudging through hell. Maybe, maybe, maybe. What I’m saying is you always have the power to START. Start moving towards goals, start sorting out priorities, start working and moving forward. Whatever that looks like to you.

The beauty and the curse of youth is that the years ahead are teeming with possibilities.

But the thing is, what we choose to do with the next years of our lives does not have to be the only thing we do with our lives.
Those possibilities do not evaporate as soon as you turn the corner into your thirties. If anything, even more are available.

Someday is a dangerous word. It conveys a sense of loose intent, and a loose motivation to accomplish a goal might as well be nothing at all.

‘Someday I’ll weed out the garden’ turns into a million somedays that never come, and before you know it it’s overrun with vines and deep rooted, energy sucking weeds.
The task that would have taken hours will now take days.

I see our hearts and minds like a garden at times. If you leave them to their own devices and let them run wild inside for too long, you lose sight of the core fruits and good plants. They wither and die under all the clutter.

‘Somedays’ are dangerous because they move farther and farther away as you move towards them.
A solid goal will draw nearer to you as you reach for it, as you work for it.
Maybe that means calling a friend that’s been on your heart, or trying something you’ve always wanted to do, or re-organizing that closet. I could be simple or it could be complex. But in that same breath I think most things seem more complex than they actually are.

‘Someday’ is not a place, it is a placeholder with no promise of completion.

Stop chasing somedays: Make them todays and tomorrows.

 

Shouting into the void,

~H

A Moment

Let me tell you a story.

I was 8 years old visiting my grandmothers house, the sun had been warm on my face and the day was an open possibility, there had been a skip in my step as my brother and I went out to swing on the home made rope with a plank for a seat, strung between two towering pine trees.

The crunch of the gravel under my shoes was the loudest sound on the remote grounds. I remember the moment distinctly; the rush of wind past my face as I pumped my legs, that small moment of suspension as the swing arced over the gravel path. The tightening off the loose rope around my ankle as I attempted to jump off.

My brother says I looked like a doll as I was dragged backwards through the gravel and arched the wrong way. It had happened so fast. As I blinked back into consciousness, the sun too bright and my brother beside me in the path, my shoulder pounded in my ears like a dull drum. I don’t remember much after that; blood dripping down my arm, a barked knee, both would heal. But my shoulder: Not even now as I type this has it healed.

Every time I look back on that sunny day I wonder how much worse it could have been. It only takes a moment in time, a single drawn out moment, to change your life forever. I had dreams of my neck cracking instead of my shoulder. If one thing had gone differently, a different angle, a switch in the wind,  would that have been the case? But it wasn’t.

My point is this: If you’re here now,  breathing, thinking, living. There has to be a reason. God doesn’t make mistakes. Everything you live through has gotten you here: Full of potential no matter how broken you feel, no matter how unloved or forgotten or anxious you are for the future or the present, you are here for a reason, and God has a plan for you that is so far beyond your best imaginations.

I could have died when I thought no one in the world could possibly accept me, want me, when even the thought of facing the world seemed as impossible as the chance of me being here alive today. I could have ruined Gods great gift to us: LIFE. But I didn’t.

When you feel unloved, God loves you. When you feel joyful and complete, God loves you. When you feel disgusting and irredeemable, he loves you. He forgives. And he does not make mistakes. Everyone has a purpose.

I am here because I am supposed to be.

We are here for a reason, and who wouldn’t want to stick around to find out what that reason is?

 

A Shout into the void

~H

 

 

 

 

 

 

What?! It’s JUNE?

When I was little there always seemed to be more time. Summers where longer, Birthdays lasted longer, ice cream didn’t melt as fast.

Sometime around my 14th birthday everything seemed to warp ahead in time; I noticed summer was really only a few months, and Birthdays where only one quick day. The only thing that still felt like it took forever was school and chores.

Christmas stopped feeling as much like Christmas and trying to reach into my imagination was like pulling a wet rag through corn syrup. Does this happen to everyone? I guess so. Growing up is something that happens to everyone, of course. And it’s not easy. For example;

My brother and I where attempting to cook dinner while my mother was out of town last weekend. Lets just say we ended up having to stain the rice, nothing came together warm at the same time, and I accidently evaporated half of the sauce. Good times.

And let’s not even talk about laundry.

Or making appointments over the phone.

Or budgeting.

Ugh.

Shouting into the void,

~H 

 

 

Before and After’s

I think everyone has before and after’s. Events that mark invisible lines of ‘oh that was after so and so’. I feel that these events, good or bad, are so important.

After my heart was first broken by a (oblivious) guy.

After I decided to re shape how I saw the world and how I treated the people around me, for the better.

After I found out my fathers diagnosis MIGHT be hereditary.

These things shape us for better or for worse. They are not excuses for actions or crutches for unsavory behavior; they are chances to stand up, step up, and start again. I will not live my life in a shadow of fear of something that may or may not come to pass. I am not going to let my heart close in on itself again.

And I am not going to let my insecurities hold me back a second longer.

Shouting into the void,

~H

First blog post!

Hey there anyone who has possibly stumbled upon this!

I’m here to improve my writing, maybe make someone laugh, but mostly to learn. I want to share some stories, fictional or otherwise, some thoughts and possibly some art. I’m not particularly concerned with gaining a following or anything and I know that maybe I’ll be typing to myself, and that’s fine.

Just a shout into the void,

~H